I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Randomize
