I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
