I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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