they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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