Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
