i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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