You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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