My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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