she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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