Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
