Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
