i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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