Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
