why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
