operation harelip BJ is a go
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
