she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
