you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
COCAINE IS GR8
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
