All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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