Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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