Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
