I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
