Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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