You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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