So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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