I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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