butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
