that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
