omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
How does one acquire holy water?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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