I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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