I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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