So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
