If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
