Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
