I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
