Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
there is puke in my bra ... again
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
