I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
