I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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