I could make wine with my vomit
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
