The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We have so much sex to catch up on
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
