he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
