I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Randomize
