I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
