Fine. I'll sleep in my office
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
