We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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