the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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