"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
we're making bets on your personal life
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
