Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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