I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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