my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
