she was so not down for the gang bang
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
