my sisters under your porch take her home
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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