The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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